Sakhis

When the Brahmans of Bananas (ahem.. Banaras) heard that some dude called Bhagat Kabir had given loads of corn to holy men, but not even one grain to them (SHOCK! HORROR!) , they went in as a group to his house to complain: ‘Oi Weaver! Sharam Nahi Ondi?! You very proud of your wealth ent yaa, coz you been giving out stuff to the low caste Faqirs and Sudars. (Ofcourse that makes sense.. :s ) Now leave this city at once.. or ELSE’ (scary!)

Bhagat Kabir Ji asked why he should leave the city. “Did I break into anyone’s house/committed highway robbery/ etc etc?! Why the exile?”

The beloved Brahmans replied, “Look yeah, our logic works like this: You served and honoured to faqirs instead of us, therefore it’s an offence sufficient to merit expulsion from the city!”(wonder where they read that from)

“Say no more,” they continued (even though Bhagat Kabir didn’t say anything.. lol emi trying 2 act hard init), “it is better for you either to make us an offering or CHALLE JAA!!!”

Bhagat Kabir Ji replied that his house was all he had, and they could take possession of it. In this way, he escaped from them, and again concealed himself in a distant forest..chillaxing.

Upon this, some admirers of Bhagat Kabir Ji’s purity, (well must be loads, judging from how much Bhagat Kabir ji rocks) and sympathizers with his troubles, distributed money among the Brahmans (Just to shut em up). Such an amount of money and provisions were distributed that the name and praises of Bhagat Kabir Ji resounded throughout the whole city, (imagine the cheerleaders – or the equivalent – cheering “GO KABIR GO!”.. just a thought lol) and the Brahmans were highly delighted and gratified on finding their stomachs filled to repletion – Now there’s a surprise.

Moral: If you wana shutup a Bhraman – fill their tummies! No matter what happens, Gangsters like Bhagat Kabir Ji will carry on chillaxing – remembering the Don.

There was a robber called Bhola (meaning naive.. hmm talk about getting a wrong name!) who used to chill on a high hill thingy, wearing white clothes – lil bit of useless info doesnt hurt. He used to terrorise the people on the road below.. picking on them like a typical school bully (sounds familiar? If so, please consult your nearest social services as soon as possible).

Anyways yeah, he was sooo hard that he would tackle eight to ten men at a time and committed lots of crimes *shifty eyes*..

As you know, Guru Nanak Dev ji came down that road to teach him a lesson. Bhola descended down the hill like a monster (or maybe he fell over and rolled down the hill – that would be a sight lol). The point is: he reached the road.. finally.. and said “Remove your clothes or I will kill you – MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH” *cough cough cough*

Guru Ji just looked at him and said “Hm.. I have fallen into your clutches, but do one thing for me and I will not run away. Return home and when you arrive there put a question to your father, mother, wife and sons. You commit evil and murder to provide for them. Ask them this: when you are in trouble is there anyone in your entire family who will stand by you?”

At first Bhola was a bit suspicious “u gona run away though..”
“Take my word for it, I will not go” Guru Ji smiled.

Now, Mr Bhola ran to his yards (aka hut) and gathered all his family together (Yes, including taya jee!)

“Look yeah, I committed so many murders and crimes to provide u with stuff.. Tell me: When I am in trouble, will you share my anguish?” *silence* “Can any of you save me from Mr Yama? (Not Yamaha but Yama: angel of death who beats u for doing naughty things) Will you share my suffering?”

Being typical desi relatives, they replied “Your deeds are yours man.. Your relationship with us is only in this life.. We can’t save you from some next mateys!”

Suddenly Mr scarey monster wannabe (Aka Bhola) became sad and began to cry, “I wasted all my years for you like a fool yo! If you gna leave me at the end then why have I spent my life committing thousands of crimes for you lots?!”

He went off and as expected, Guru Ji was still at that same place.. waiting for Mr B. He fell at Guru ji’s feet, stood up and with folded hands said “I’ve been stupid and naive. (Bhola means naive) Please forgive my sins, my whole life has been so bad! Accept me, and fix my life up pleaseee!”

Guru ji, being the most chilled out dude, forgave him and made Mr B from a wanabe to a Gangstaaa.

The message: never commit sins for them (but you shouldn’t do it anyway!)

Just chillax

Bhramins (bless them) had a great business going around at the time of the Gurus. Each of them would receive gifts from people for nothing. Yes, nothing. Seems too good to be true? There must be a catch! There is: The reason why these poor villagers gave money/food to them was so that Bhramins could pass it on to their dead forefathers. Don’t know why they suddenly felt need to feed the dead, but hey whatever rocks their boat..

Anyways, so Bhramins had a good business enterprise, advertising in the local Des Pardes (well the equivalent), chilling on the free dollars – if they’re lucky a free cow – and ofcourse always busy in their work “feeding” people’s forefathers (ahem). As the villagers offerings increased, the Bhramins’ bellys also magically increased. Obviously, this was a miraculous expansion and villagers didn’t give it a second glance.

Setha, Gobinda and Bhaga were three well off merchants. They were Hindus and they were no exceptions.. They also merrily fed the Bhramins, thinking the food would somehow go to their forefathers. One day they decided to think logically (First time for everything) and went to ask the all-knowing Guru Arjan Dev Ji about this:

“O Guru, we give Dakshana (offerings) to Bhramins in the names of our dear forefathers every year. Tell us whether all this reaches out forefathers or not?”

Guru ji smiled, “No person can tell whether your forefathers are in heaven or hell. No-one knows which Bhramin will go to heaven or hell.. And even IF a Bhramin reaches your forefathers, how can they recognise the right one out of millions of dead people?”

Good Question. Well frankly neither of them had an answer and they knew that Mr know-it-all talks sense. So they stopped this practice (saved loadsa bucks) and chilled, working hard, helping others and remembering the Big One..

Humayun was Babur’s only son. Babur was the king of Dehli, so after he died, Humayun became king –makes sense init. The thing is, not only did he have a weird name, he was a bit lazy and weak too (ok not a bit lol). One of his beloved loyal officers, called Sher Shah (what a name), rose up against him. Poor Humayun, being lazy and all that, was defeated easily and ran away to save his life (not so lazy now huh). On his way to Lahore he passed by Khadur, Guru Angad Dev Ji’s pind (village). Wanting to get his king-hood back he went to Guru Ji for help.

When he reached Guru ji’s house, he was busy saying his prayers – so he didn’t notice Humayun’s arrival. The ex-king was upset. Being a typical royal, he didn’t like waiting. He thought “How dare ze Guru not show any respect to ze King!” (uh oh)

In a fit of anger (ARGHHHH!), the ex-king became not so weak and drew his sword out! In the mean-time Guru Ji had finished (what a nice coincidence) and was ready to listen. Seeing what he was about to do with his sword (which looks kinda obvious), he smiled and said, “You are brave enough to kill or frighten peaceful people. Why didn’t you use it in the battlefield, from which u come running so cowardly? Your sword didn’t work in the battlefield, but now suddenly you seem to have become a brave fighter.”

GOT TOLD! Humayun felt ashamed (Rightly so!) and begged for forgiveness from Guru Ji. “I’m sorry jeee, I kinda lost my head,” and then he begins his real begging stuff, “You know that Guru Nanak was kind enough to bless my father, who became the king of Delhi. I am no good, because I’ve lost the throne. Your blessing alone can make me king once again. Please have mercy on me and bless meee.” (blah blah blah)

*Silence, as Humayun awaits a reply*

“My blessing has no powers,” Guru ji smiled, “To be a king means to be kind, just and helpful to the people. If you promise to do that, you will be king by God’s grace. Be patient and always remember God who grants all your wishes. Humayun hurried away to Persia.

Few years later, he gathered his soldiers, came back to the place now known as “India” and fought bravely. Humayun won the battle and became the king of Delhi. He wanted to do Guru Ji a favour for this, but Guru Angad Dev ji had gone back to chill with Akaal.

However, Guru Amar Das Ji, the 3rd Guru, sent a message to the new king, to remind him to be kind and good to his people. The son of Humayun was Akbar, who visited Guru Amar Das Ji and helped with the langar.

So even Kings bow down to Guru Ji, because they know that Guru Ji rocks!

Guru Nanak Dev ji went to Batala – where his beloved in-laws lived. His wife and sons were chilling there while Guru ji went on missions.

In this place, he was known as the “Moola Khatri’s son-in-law”. (unfortunately this family-based-name-calling still exists.. the way bibis refer to you by ur dad’s name “Tu Karnail Da Put ah?”.. My thoery is: They don’t even know your name! Don’t you find it annoying when your parents refer to your mates as “X’s son”? Yup thats what I’m talking about.)

*sighs*

Anyways, he set up camp near the well of Ajita Randhawa and began to sing praises of the Big One upstairs. Hearing about his son-in-law’s arrival, Moola Khatri couldn’t take it and went to him to express his anger. He thought: My son-in-law can’ be bothered to stay round my house, instead he’s chilling next to a well! What the?!?! Ofcourse, Katris were known as  ”high caste” according to some next caste system. Khatri are also known as warrior-caste.. so an angry khatri.. mm I smell danger! Ajita Randhawa went with him. Upon meeting Guru ji and listening to the beautiful hymns, Ajita felt chilled out after so long and instantly became his disciple. (SCORE!)

On the other hand, Moola Katri requested Guru ji to stay round his house (ha! Not so angry now huh). But he refused. He had fine clothes stitched and delicious food prepared – mm tempting – but Guru Ji refused to take them.. Actually, he didn’t even say anything to their requests.. so yeah it was a no.

Next day Moola and his daughter Sulakhni (who was married to Guru Nanak Dev Ji) went to meet him again. They spoke angrily to him, after all it was rude to turn down such a tempting offer.

Ajita Randhawa explained to them that Guru ji was the DON himself. He got contacts with the Big One upstairs.. So do what he says and chill! Listening to this, Moola Shah and Sulakhni realised that Guru ji was following some next-level deeevine design. They asked for forgiveness from Guru ji.

This shows that although Guru Nanak Dev Ji belonged to a high caste, he still acted humble. Plus, anger got Moola and co nowhere.. since it didn’t help em think straight. After all, they realised not to mess with him!!

Guru Nanak and Bhai Mardana travelled many many miles in the wilderness of Assam. Again, Mardana was hungry. So they sat under a random tree while Mardana went to get some munch.

On the way, he suddenly caught the sight of Kauda, the Cannibal!

SHOCK! HORROR! NAHIII!!!!!

It was as if Red Riding Hood’s Granny was about to become the wolf’s lunchbreak. But then again, she DID seem a bit out of date..
Mardana: “What Nice teeth you have kauda”
Kauda: “All the better to EAT you with!!”
ahem.. anywhoo

Before Mardana could move an inch, Kauda grabbed him and tied his hands and legs with rope. Then he carried Mardana to the spot where he had a big pan full of oil (ofcourse Mr Kauda always used Sunflower Oil.. GM Free!!) where he would fry his beautiful human-food.

mm.. Meeeraaasseee pudding..
As Kauda tried to light his state-of-the-art gas cooker (ie: Fire) Mardana was shivering from fear and praying to Guru Ji.
“MENU BACHAOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo!!!!”

Guru Ji, being Superman, Batman,  Bananaman (Yes he IS good!), Popeye the Sailor man and all the other super duper heroes in 1.. and ONTOP of being as good as the… MI6 Intelligence Service *looks side2side cautiously*,..well he knew about this, and so came to his rescue.

So.. Kauda bechara was stil trying to work his state-of-the-art gas cooker (meaning he tried to light the fire) when he noticed Guru Ji arriving. He was astonished at the sight - a main course meal is walking to him! A delicious one as well
(No comment can be made on how “tasty” Guru ji really was, but it makes sense 2 assume he was very tasty lol).

mMm, thought the cannibal, Its as if red Riding hood herself is coming to the wolf.. Ha! Red Riding Hood is nothing but a snack.. but this is a whole dish in itself!
Without delay, He quickly captured Guru Nanak Dev Ji.
This time, the state-of-the-a… O whatever you get the point, the fire was lit ok?! The oil (GM Free!) was boiling within minutes. Seeing this, Guru Nanak Dev Ji said “Yo Mr. Thingy bob.. can you fry my first?”
Kauda was in disbelief! But after all, you meant to have the main course before your pudding, even if its Minced Meeeraaaasee! Taking advantage of this, Kauda picked him up and put him onto the pan.

As his feet touched the hot oil, it became cold as ice (Yoooo thats how Kool he was man.. beat that!).
Kauda was lyk WOAHHH next level! He realised that Guru Ji was no ordinary mateys (like Sunny Deol lol) but more like Superman/batman etc etc in one!

Guru Ji said in his coolness “My Dear Kauda.. you have to see what you do.. it isnt right eating humans
(Guru Ji didn’t need to study at the Puraatan school of medicine .. he knows all init)

Kauda got the message and begged for forgiveness.
He turned from a human-eating monster *ARGH*
..into a gangstaa *sigh of relief*

So.. for all those who want to eat Guru Ji.. well good luck! lol